Amongst the many distinct memories of my childhood, is that of a doubles match in one of my first badminton tournaments. Down match-point, my partner and I had a line-call to make, for a shot by our opponents that was clearly inside. But we called out. It saved us the game and we won the next one too, to win the match.
I soon found myself questioning that action (and many more such down the line) and how it deprived the opponents a deserved victory.
My response: Cold and indifferent. It’s alright, I said, the opponents did not even realise. Moreover, everyone does it; it’s a part of the game.
I wrote innumerable exams in school, most of which seemed insignificant to me. I wondered what the fuss was all about, and why did some of the others sweat over them so much. But when I gave the boards, the entrances, the ones that for whatever reason mattered to me, I promptly sought help from any friend or stranger willing to offer it in that exam hall.
What about those who refused to let their results reflect somebody else’s hard work?
My response: Too bad for them. They too had the choice, can’t help it if they chose not to. Tomorrow, I will get admission based on not whether I copied, but the marks I got.
I started driving a car. Observed all the rules, did not cut lanes, and didn’t jump the signal. But I slowly realised and convinced myself that at 12 in the night, with just a handful of cars around, there’s no point waiting for the signal to turn green. 12 soon became 11, then 10, then 9. Now I see no point in waiting unless there’s a cop around.
Why am I happy to find my way through even when others patiently wait for their turn, why am I eager to jump the signal, or get on to the wrong side of the road, all this at the cost of discomforting others?
My response: I need to ensure I get out of here first. The rest can take care of themselves.
I progressed to B-school, the grooming ground for aspiring corporate heads and entrepreneurs. I spent 2 years learning all the right things about management, leadership, business. Yet, when push came to shove, I did not think twice before ensuring that the CVs of some of my own colleagues did not reach the intended companies during the placements.
How could I be so indifferent to my fellow students, for some of whom a job is equivalent to a matter of life and death?
My response: It’s the name of the game. If I stopped by to make sure all of us get in, I’d be the first one to be left out!
I worked in large MNCs, known for their values and ethics, but spent as much effort in ensuring that I get credit for what I’ve not done, as in not letting someone else get theirs. I joined government service, to be able to contribute to the larger public good, but paid through my nose to get a posting of my choice. I paid huge donations to become a doctor, only to recover it from my helpless patients, to demand that they make the payment before I go ahead with the operation. I became a lawyer to help provide justice to the needy and innocent, but ended up conniving with the other lawyers and judges to prolong the case as much as possible, in order to milk clients while doing so. I built buildings so as to be able to provide housing to my fellow-beings, and was so eager to help them that I sold the same house to more than one party. I thought I would help protect the people and the city by donning the police uniform, but I chose instead to thrive on the helplessness and despondency of those very people, and used my uniform to instil fear, not amongst culprits, but amongst the ordinary citizens who dread having to deal with me.
Did I not for once think of all those innocent, helpless, less-privileged, less-fortunate people in all these instances, while I was busy building and protecting my own ivory towers, where I thought I was in isolation of those that I’m surrounded by and dependant on?
My response: I have but this one chance to make the most of what I have. I have not taken responsibility for the well-being of the whole world, and if someone else has to suffer because of my indifference, so be it.
Today, I am a politician, an MLA, a minister, having come through all these years of this very upbringing and background. But suddenly, I’m expected to turn it around, to be a different person, and change the rules of the game. Only because according to someone else, I should draw a line to how insensitive and indifferent I can be? If only it was so easy. I’ve always been used to pushing the envelope and shifting the goal posts to suit myself. And I continue to do so here, a place where I’m in a position of unparalleled power and unthinkably higher stakes. My response today is still the same, as it has been throughout these years. Only the stakes and the definition of what is acceptable have changed.
I could change too, but that would be a classic case of too little too late. There are the concerned ones amongst me, but too few of them to be able to make a substantial difference.
And yes, HuJI and IM are lying! They are taking responsibility for a situation, only exploitation of which is their doing, creation almost entirely mine. I agree that I am responsible, for the mess we see around, for the innumerable we see suffering.
But I also believe, that if I have to change, if I have to learn to be considerate to those around, if I have to realise that there’s only so far I can go by focusing all my attention on myself while ignoring even basic rights and needs of others who I willingly or unwillingly influence by my deeds – I have to learn these when I’m playing that first match, writing that first exam, driving my first car, working in my first job. It can’t happen when I’m sitting here in the twilight of my career, trying to fire-fight the situation that I’ve contributed towards creating – created not because I intentionally wanted to, but because that’s the only way I’ve always known!
